I got a phone call a while back - one of those "Oh, I'll never get that call!" type of call, informing me I'd been selected for a television viewership survey. The "big one", mind you - the one with "diaries". So, you see, I am now among the cleansed ... one of the chosen few ... yes, I am... a NEILSON FAMILY!

But, I must report to you the details of the sign-up call. I kid you not. This, in a nutshell, is what happened. On the phone with me is the nice young lady from the survey company:

NICE YOUNG LADY: Mr. O'Connell ... what do you generally watch on TV?

O'C: News, sports, and "Clifford the Big Red Dog".

LADY: OK, Mr. O'Connell, and what cable company do you use?

O'C: I don't have cable.

LADY: You don't have cable? Then, how do you watch TV? What if there's a game on ESPN?

O'C: Then, I go to a bar.

LADY: Well, do you watch all your TV in a bar?

O'C: No, I watch TV at home, too ... you know ... "over-the-air" TV.

LADY: "Over-the-air TV" ... What's that?

O'C: Well, that's when you watch TV which is actually broadcast ... like ... over-the-air -- not on cable.

LADY: They broadcast TV without cable in Austin?

O'C: Yes.

NICE FLUSTERED YOUNG LADY: Is this something I should report to my boss? I mean, we'll send you the diary for the bar, but if it's illegal at your home, then I don't want anyone to get in trouble .....

Well, about a week later, I got two diaries ... one for the illegal house viewing, which I filled out, and one for the bar which I started to fill in with "ALL HOCKEY ALL THE TIME", but my ethical background in research just wouldn't let me do it.

So, if you don't like what choices to watch on TV tonight, I guess I'm partially to blame because I represented several thousand families with my diary input. And, to all of you three or four other people who don't have cable, I've made arrangements to have "Clifford the Big Red Dog" piped into the jail day-room after we're imprisoned for illegal TV viewing. But, I'll be in my cell ... watching hockey.