Dagg-nabb-it! As I write this, I'm missing the last Democratic candidate debate leading up to the Iowa caucuses. I'm sure they won't miss me ... and I'm busy, anyway. For, you see, I'm studying up on the FIRST presidential primary - or caucus - of the season, which is coming up this week.

That's right. This Tuesday, our Nation's Capital -- Washington DC -- remember it ... the "inside the beltway" place ... That's the one. Washington DC ... is holding its 2004 presidential primary. Forget about the fact that they have no electoral votes for president, and that there are extremely limited voting rights in DC - they don't have a Senator, and have only token representation in the House in the form of a non-voting delegate.

Yeah, forget about all of that. This is presidential politics at the highest level. Well ... sort of. OK, forget about the fact that this first primary of the year won't have the names Gephardt, Kerry, Lieberman, or Clark on the ballot, because the Democratic National Committee doesn't sanction it. You see, this "primary" was moved up from its traditional spot in May to publicize the fact that Washington DC'ites have no voting rights in Congress. About all they do in DC is elect Mayors, lose basketball games (and football games, lately), pay taxes, and count the money. Even the Defense Department and the CIA are in Virginia.

So to all my friends in DC, enjoy your primary this Tuesday. I've been trying to find some information on one of your candidates on the ballot - a Mr. Vermin Supreme - from some Post Office Box in Rockport, Massachusetts. Boy, If I were an Iowan, I'd be jealous!

I wonder how Mr. Supreme feels about environmental issues. Don't forget to vote!