DIVERSION NEWS FROM FOOFOO.BIZ

CONTRIBUTED BY DAVID JARROTT

THINGS YOU MUST KNOW TO SURVIVE IN AUSTIN
1. First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is AWE-STUN and it does not matter how people pronounce it in other places. 2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Austin has its own traffic rules. There's no book about them. You've just got to get in your car and hope you survive long enough to learn them. 3. All directions start with, "Go down Mopac... cause you don't want to get on 35." 4. Burnet, Braker, and Lamar have no beginning and no end. 5. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive." 6. The 8:00am rush hour is from 6:30am to 9:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 3:30pm to 7:15pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning. 7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you cannot be from Austin. You may only apply your brakes when the end of the yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a "burnt-orange" hue. 8. If you like being an individual, don't even think of working for Dell. You'll be branded like cattle and made to walk all over town with your Dell tag" around your neck or clipped on your belt loop. 98% of the people within a 200 mile radius work for Dell. When someone says, "Michael Dell", Dell employees are trained to face Round Rock, hit their knees, put their face to the ground, weep, and rock back and forth. 9. Just remember that Mopac IS Loop 1 and Research IS 183. Don't try to figure it out. Just accept it. 10. If moisture is determined to be rain, not sweat, all traffic must immediately cease; ditto for daylight savings time, a girl walking down the sidewalk across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over. Do not attempt to access any road after an apocalyptic event like snow or South by Southwest. 11. Construction on I-35 is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment. Get used to it! 12. Keep in mind that the sloppily dressed "hippie" in sandals and earrings is probably the latest IPO millionaire around here. 13. And yes we all know that's a man in a teddy and tiara on a bike downtown. It's Leslie, and he probably makes more money than you do.

THINGS YOU MUST KNOW TO SURVIVE IN AUSTIN

1. First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is AWE-STUN and it does not matter how people pronounce it in other places.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Austin has its own traffic rules. There's no book about them. You've just got to get in your car and hope you survive long enough to learn them.

3. All directions start with, "Go down Mopac... cause you don't want to get on 35."

4. Burnet, Braker, and Lamar have no beginning and no end.

5. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a "scenic drive."

6. The 8:00am rush hour is from 6:30am to 9:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is from 3:30pm to 7:15pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you cannot be from Austin. You may only apply your brakes when the end of the yellow light and the beginning of the red light create a "burnt-orange" hue.

8. If you like being an individual, don't even think of working for Dell. You'll be branded like cattle and made to walk all over town with your Dell tag" around your neck or clipped on your belt loop. 98% of the people within a 200 mile radius work for Dell. When someone says, "Michael Dell", Dell employees are trained to face Round Rock, hit their knees, put their face to the ground, weep, and rock back and forth.

9. Just remember that Mopac IS Loop 1 and Research IS 183. Don't try to figure it out. Just accept it.

10. If moisture is determined to be rain, not sweat, all traffic must immediately cease; ditto for daylight savings time, a girl walking down the sidewalk across the street, or a flat tire three lanes over. Do not attempt to access any road after an apocalyptic event like snow or South by Southwest.

11. Construction on I-35 is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment. Get used to it!

12. Keep in mind that the sloppily dressed "hippie" in sandals and earrings is probably the latest IPO millionaire around here.

13. And yes we all know that's a man in a teddy and tiara on a bike downtown. It's Leslie, and he probably makes more money than you do.

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